Reeling — The Aftermath of Discovery
In the aftermath of discovery I was reeling emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. After a very public discovery, I was processing the shock of my husband's betrayal along with our friends, family, neighbors, church, and workplaces. I had packed up my babies and driven several hours away to where my family lived. That first day, I couldn’t even get down a smoothie. I felt ill and didn’t have an appetite for days. When I tried to go to sleep, my imagination ran wild with mental images of my husband doing the unimaginable things he had confessed to.
I also kept trying to fill in all the gaps of information I didn’t have. What did these women look like? Did he have feelings for them beyond just using them for sex? Did he give me an STD? Were children involved? Were drugs involved? Did he get someone else pregnant? Why hadn’t he just left me? How did I miss ALL of this?
I didn’t even question whether he loved me; I knew he couldn’t possibly love me and do those horrible things. I was thankful to have a safe place to process all of this and get space from T. What began that first day was a long slow journey of grieving, wrestling with God, seeking answers to my questions, and reaching out for help to deal with the trauma.
The grief those first few weeks was gut wrenching. I woke up morning after morning weeping. I felt forsaken by God. How could HE let this happen to me? I grieved the marriage and memories of the almost 10 years I had shared with T. as it ALL seemed like a lie. I was reprocessing my entire past decade through this new lens of my husband’s sex addiction. He had acted out in one form or another for the entirety of our relationship. (You can read my discovery story here and more of our story from his perspective here.) I felt like a fool for having trusted him and thinking we were so happy.
I grieved for the future that I had dreamed of having with him as it seemed unimaginable to ever trust him (or any man) again. I grieved for my little ones for having been innocently brought into this mess and the uncertainty of their future. Even when I wanted to laugh at something my toddler said or did, my laughter was hollow.
I sat on the back porch swing at my parents’ house, alone with my journal and poured out to God as much as I could access…“my thoughts are imperceivable, my emotions like a raging sea” I wrote. I felt overwhelmed and lost, but, mercifully, God drew near in that moment and in the days, nights, weeks, months ahead. It felt clear that my best hope was to follow Him through the darkness and hold fast to Him through the storm. What I see so clearly now, was that He was holding on to me.
But I was still so afraid. I knew nothing of sex addiction and my reasoning went that if T. had crossed the lines he had admitted to, what other behaviors might he still be hiding? I had SO many questions.
A friend connected me with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) who I began meeting with weekly which helped tremendously. I made an appointment with my doctor to get tested for STDs. This is not a fun step, but it helped to put some of my fears at ease and it is a crucial step when you’ve learned that your spouse has acted out with others. Also, I read Stefanie Carnes very helpful book, Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts. This guide helped me understand sex addiction, think through my options, and begin to identify what boundaries I needed to feel safe.
Taking these small steps to move out of the darkness of denial and the fog of fear and into reality was empowering and an important step in my journey.
In response to this trauma my body was cranking out a lot of adrenaline (a lot) which led to, among other things, hypervigilance. I did a lot of digging into bank accounts and email accounts and tried to find evidence to back up what he was telling me. I dug, trying to unearth anything new he might still be hiding. In other words, I was playing detective and obsessing over his acting out. If you’ve tried this, then you know--it does not make anything better but just stirs up more and more fear. It’s a black hole.
Another way this adrenaline manifested was in my body. I wanted to RUN, probably run for shelter, run away from this nightmare, maybe start a new life with a new name in some remote French village with my babies in tow. Yes, that was a fantasy. (France sounds nice, doesn’t it?) But there were holes in this plan, so instead I just laced up my tennies and got my postpartum self out on the road. Yes, this was what I needed. I was NOT a runner, but I started slow, got my sweet sisters in on it, and we walked/ran at first until we could run a mile. Then two, then three, and on and on we went. We signed up for a half-marathon and that became a beautiful goal that reminded me I was strong and could do SO MANY HARD things.
Did the crazy-making behaviors of mine magically disappear that day? No. I had to work with my therapist on a plan. I had to learn healthy things to do when I felt triggered that would actually help versus making me more anxious, angry, etc.
Did the intrusive thoughts and images haunt me as I pounded the pavement? Yes they did. But, I memorized prayers from the Psalms and recited them as I ran. My therapist coached me in affirmations, giving me one to start with “I am worthy of being loved faithfully by my husband.” I made a long list of others that I memorized and recited as I ran.
“My body is beautiful, healthy and strong.”
“I am deeply loved by God.”
And so I ran, chanting truth with each step.
If you’ve walked this road for a while or you just recently learned of your spouse’s sexual betrayal, you don’t need a researcher or therapist or me to tell you that the experience is traumatic. Researchers have reported that following the discovery of a spouse's sexual betrayal--and particularly where there is addiction discovered--partners often experience symptoms characteristic of PTSD (as well as a whole host of emotional reactions that will make you feel crazy!).
You are NOT crazy. You might be experiencing tearfulness and depression, obsession over your spouse's acting out behavior, avoiding thinking about it, intrusive thoughts and images of your spouse’s acting out, sleeplessness and/or nightmares, excessive sleep, panic attacks, loss of appetite, weight loss, weight gain, migraines, rage. The list could go on and on. These are normal responses to trauma. I had crazy impulses to clean things and to throw everything I owned away and start over. It all felt filthy by association. Weird stuff happens to our brains in trauma.
While everyone will have their own unique way of responding to the trauma, we all need hefty support and lots of SELF CARE to walk this road. I am neither an expert nor a therapist, but from my own experience and walking alongside others on this journey, here are a few actions steps that you can take today to support your healing process:
Find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. They understand addiction, they understand the trauma that sex addiction puts the partner through. And, they can help you process!
Make self-care a priority.
Affirm the truth about yourself.
Breathe.
More on all of the above in coming posts, but you are going to get through this. I believe you have a God who loves you, and He sees and understands your pain. He already has a plan to redeem and transform this nightmare into something beautiful. “Weeping may last for the night but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5) Joy is coming for you. Keep following the Pillar.
