Get In A Group

As I mentioned elsewhere, in the early days I was in a fog. The simple fact is that years of acting out, using porn daily, and lying about everything, left me numb and as confused about what was true as all the people I had lied to. Manipulation, shading the truth, lying to myself, and denial were so deeply ingrained into my thought patterns, that I could not trust my own thoughts.

Here I was, a holder of a graduate degree, a highly successful professional, who thought of himself as extremely intelligent, and all I wanted to do was to think my way out of this mess. But, the very thing I had turned to for help in every other circumstance of my life—my brain—was the thing that was broken.

When your brain is the problem, your thoughts become like a Chinese finger trap. The more you try to think your way out, the more stuck you become. There is only one way out of this conundrum: get into a group.

I know this is easier said than done.

There are few things more scary and awkward than walking into a recovery group for the first time. If you are like me, the thought of a recovery group calls to mind the image of a dimly lit basement, dripping pipes, a single lightbulb dangling from the ceiling, and cigarette smoke billowing from gloomy men sitting in a circle of metal folding chairs.

And that doesn’t even factor in the extra layer of shame that comes with sexual brokenness and sexual addiction. The thought of telling complete strangers about my acting out was terrifying—even amongst a self-professed group of  sex addicts, I expected my story to shock the conscience. The old fear of abandonment, the belief that if they really knew me they couldn’t love me, showed up here, like everywhere else. I expected that my first meeting would end with me sitting alone in that circle of folding chairs while the others rushed out of the room in horror to tell the entire world my secrets.

What I found in groups was the opposite. I found people who understood me, who did not judge me, who welcomed me. The stories I heard in these rooms (which were well lit, smoke-free, and generally comfortable!) were my own story. As it turns out, I didn’t have to share my darkest secrets at the first meeting, but after hearing others share my fear evaporated. For the first time in my life, I realize that I was not alone. I was not uniquely screwed up. I was not some mutant. I was broken, yes, but not irredeemably so.

In groups, I found acceptance. I found community. And I found hope.

The men in these rooms were not the gloomy, depressed curmudgeons I expected (or not all of them). When I walked in, I found men smiling and laughing, not chain smoking. And, despite having crazy stories, many of these men also had what I longed for most—sobriety.

This is why it was most important to get in a group immediately. My brain didn’t work. Theirs did. They knew all of the crazy ways my mind worked—because theirs used to work that way too—and they could guide me. When I needed compassion, they gave it. When I needed correction, they gave it. I got a sponsor, and he (and the others) walked with me out of the porn-induced fog I had been living in, back towards sanity.

Sexual addiction made me blind to myself. My groups were the mirror I desperately needed.

Sexual addiction turned my life into a complete shitstorm. My groups were a port in the storm.

Sexual addiction gave me secrets and shame. My groups gave me a safe place to reveal them.

Sexual addiction made me lost and confused. My groups gave me a clear path to follow towards healing.

If you are trying to get sober from pornography use, from affairs, from any form of sexual brokenness and addiction, you probably know by now that you cannot do it alone. The good news is you don’t have to. In every state and in most cities there are several different types of groups you can turn to for community and healing. If you need help finding a group near you, feel free to connect with us and we can call upon our network to see if there are any folks in your area.

For additional resources, also check out some of the groups listed below. This is a non-exhaustive list, and we have learned that many cities have meetings under-the-radar that are not affiliated with larger national fellowships. Nevertheless, this is a great place to start.

https://www.sa.org/meetings/ (Sexaholics Anonymous — 12 Step)

https://saa-recovery.org/meetings/ (Sex Addicts Anonymous — 12 Steps)

https://samsonsociety.com/meetings/search/ (Samson Society — Faith-based)

https://www.celebraterecovery.com/crgroups (Celebrate Recovery — Faith-based)

https://slaafws.org/meetings (Sex-Love Addicts Anonymous - 12 Steps)