Where Should I Begin?
If you’re finding yourself in the wilderness, just now realizing you need to get sober or for the first time earnestly intending to get sober, then you likely feel overwhelmed. In those first few weeks, I was in a fog (and, to be honest, that fog lasted for several months). I needed others to guide me, to tell me what to do. I was fortunate to be surrounded by some incredible people and resources that could help me take the first steps on this journey. But, I recognize not everyone is so fortunate.
So, if you are new to the journey, what are the first steps you should take?
As I mentioned, in the early days I was in a fog. Thanks to years of numbing out, my thoughts, my feelings, and even my true values were a mystery to me. Yet, discerning these things is critical to getting sober. Sexual addiction is, after all, a disease that lives in the brain. Years of acting out have created pathways in the brain that present one solution to every problem: sex. Understanding your thought patterns and feelings is critical to recovery.
But, if you keep acting out, you will remain in this numbed out porn/sex fog. Therefore, to begin to understand your thoughts, feelings, and values, the behavior has to stop.
I know what you’re thinking: wait, aren’t I here because I CANNOT STOP the behavior? Yes. If you try to stop the behavior on your own then you will never find your way out of this chicken-and-egg conundrum. But, the good news is you are not alone. You do not have to try to stop on your own anymore. In that vein, the following are the first steps to take if you find yourself realizing enough is enough, it is time to get sober. We will be making separate posts on each of these items, but we wanted to compile this list in one place.
1. Find a Group – The most important thing you can do is find a group. There are different types of groups all over the country (and we are happy to help you wade through the options), from 12-step groups to faith-based groups. You can agonize over finding the perfect group, but be open to the possibility that this could be coming out of your black-and-white addict thinking that wants to keep you isolated and acting out. Just start showing up. Finding a group where you can be known, tangibly see you are not alone, and find people with sobriety to guide you is essential.
2. Get a Sponsor – At one of these groups, get a sponsor. And then do what they tell you to do. Somebody farther down the road than you will be able to see the addict thought patterns that you cannot. And, they will be able to give you concrete, day-to-day action steps to get you moving.
3. Start Making Calls – Once you find a group, you also need to immediately get some phone numbers and start making daily phone calls. These calls—checking in where you are emotionally or processing through triggers—help you to be known and to get a perspective outside of your fogged-in brain. This will feel IMPOSSIBLE and AWKWARD at first, but the habit of connection and asking for help is the path to freedom.
4. Find a Therapist – We would also recommend finding a therapist, preferable a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). There are issues unique to sexual addiction and sexual brokenness that a CSAT will be able to help you walk through. Many people have gotten sober without the assistance of a CSAT, but with the guidance of a CSAT the road to where your story is intertwined with your acting out behavior is likely going to be shorter.
5. It is NOT About the Sex – By letting group members, a sponsor, and a therapist into your struggle, you will be given the benefit of others’ clear thinking where you lack it. Too, you will be given a process for beginning to unpack what is driving your acting out behavior. While it may seem confusing, your problem is not pornography or sex. Your problem is something deeper. Unless you start to dig into that, you will keep acting out or you will substitute one destructive, addictive pattern for another.
6. Start Working on a 3-Circles Plan – There are many tools that will help you along the journey, but we believe the 3-Circles Plan is one of the best. In it, you will clearly define your acting out behaviors (what constitutes a relapse), work to identify your triggers and warning signs, and also begin to define what a life of health and recovery looks like. It is an excellent tool for growing in self-awareness. You never just “find yourself looking at porn,” there is always a long runway leading up to it.
7. Technology Boundaries – Technological barriers, on their own, cannot keep you sober. Anyone dealing with addiction to pornography or sex is likely to be well-versed in circumventing technological barriers to acting out. When we make up our minds to act out we can become more effective than many hackers. That said, giving yourself unfiltered, unmonitored access to the internet on your cell phone (and similar points of access) is just plain stupid. An unfiltered cell phone in the pocket of a sex addict is like a bag of cocaine in the pocket of a drug addict. Theoretically you can stay sober, but you are stacking the deck against yourself. There are tons of technological resources available, and in the era of the internet of things there are tons of devices that may need to be locked down. Work with a sponsor and your group members to identify those devices and available resources.
We will delve more deeply into these and other topics in later posts, but feel like this is a good start for anyone trying to find the road to recovery for the first time.
