S.O.B.E.R.

As we discussed in our previous post “It is NOT About the Sex,” our acting out behaviors have more to do with what we don’t want to feel than what we do want to feel. The reason we find ourselves in the destructive cycle of habitual masturbation, pornography abuse, affairs, and more is because at some point we learned that sex is a potent numbing agent.

Boredom, shame, loneliness, anger, fear, inadequacy, purposelessness . . . we numb them. Then, when the brief euphoric haze of orgasm wears off, these emotions come rushing back in. And we need another hit.

Early recovery represents a time of breaking this cycle. Rather than numbing these intense emotions, we start to deal with them. For some, this is excruciatingly difficult. For others, the pattern of doing something differently—breaking the daily grind of shame—creates its own euphoric haze. You might feel invincible for several days, thinking there is no way you will ever act out again! Then, boom, you’re back at it.

The reality is that sobriety is hard. One day in treatment, we walked into a group therapy session and my counselor wrote this on the board: S.O.B.E.R. Then, he asked if any of us knew what it stood for. After a few half-ass guesses, he gave us the answer.

S – Son

O – Of a

B – Bitch

E – Everything’s

R – Real

Everything’s real, indeed. Another friend described sobriety like being out in a rainstorm without a coat on. You can feel everything. No more numbing. No more running from consequences. No more pretending everything is fine. No more minimizing. Being sober means being in reality. And, typically, for people in early recovery that reality sucks.

Interactions with spouses are often intense and painful. If your exposure was public (like mine), a trip to the grocery store can turn into a shame-fest, with every acquaintance averting their eyes to avoid talking to you. You may have financial or legal or employment consequences causing stress. You may be separated or have lost friends. Or, you may simply not know what to do with you spare time since you used to spend all of it looking at pornography.

All of this brings waves of those emotions mentioned above: boredom, shame, loneliness, anger, fear, inadequacy, purposelessness. But, now we can’t numb it. We have to face it. To do so requires a complete reworking of how we engage with reality. It requires changing the way we think. It requires self-examination. It requires living in community and seeking wisdom from others.

This is why some may string together a few days of sobriety but seem to keep slipping over and over. So often the sexual broken in early recovery simply refuse to reckon with the acronym above: Son Of a Bitch Everything’s Real. Rather than practicing the tools that allow them to face reality (going to meetings, phone calls, journaling, therapy, the 12 steps, etc.), they just cruise along until reality shows up and then they go running back to numbness.

Until you learn to deal with reality in a new way, you will continue to deal with it in the only way you have known how—acting out.

So, get connected! Find a meeting. Lean on others. Start making phone calls. Be honest. And, face reality on whatever terms you find it. There is hope!