A Note for Partners
So, it will not ordinarily be the pattern that I (T.) am the one addressing partners. That said, one thing we think is worth addressing from my perspective early is the matter of causation. Over and over we hear partners combing through the memories asking what they did to cause their husband or wife to cheat on them or to turn to pornography, to ask what they could have done differently.
Is something wrong with my body?
Should I have had sex more?
Should I have had sex differently?
Did I do or say something I shouldn’t have?
These and many more are questions that every partner asks in the wake of discovery. You are not alone in feeling the shame and confusion and insecurity that comes with betrayal. But, if you are able to hear it at this time, please hear me when I say this: you did not cause this.
Sexual brokenness and sexual addiction is not about whether someone’s spouse or partner is “enough”. It is not about being sexually deprived. It is not about being sexually unsatisfied. It not about your partner wanting you to be different.
When talking about sexual brokenness (and especially sexual addiction) you are dealing with a condition that is defined by one word—MORE. More, no matter what. There is no “enough”. There is no body type or shape that will satisfy what is insatiable. And there is no comparison. The thought “I want that instead of what I have” does not occur to a sex addict. The thought is “I want what I have… And I want that. And that. And also that…..”
More. More. More.
There is nothing that you could have done to control your partner. No amount of sex or risky sexual behavior or provocative clothing or plastic surgery or whatever else you might come up with as an answer to those questions would have solved this problem.
Why is this? It is because what is going on actually has nothing to do with sex.
We unpack this more in our post “It Is NOT About the Sex”. But, in short, a sex addict is like a man lost in the desert who stumbles upon an oasis. He staggers and crawls towards the pool of water, and when he gets there instead of dipping his head in the water he turns and scoops up fistfuls of sand. He pours the sand in his mouth and gulps it down. Over and over again. In his delirium, he thinks he is quenching his thirst, but he is actually killing himself. At the oasis, he is proximate to that which he needs, but he fails to grasp it. Instead, he mimics drinking water, all the while drinking sand.
Anyone who did this we would consider insane or deranged by thirst. And, yes, in a way that is true. Someone struggling with sexual brokenness is, in some ways, insane. They need healing from the wounds of their past, and this puts them in dire need of connection, community, and love. Sex—healthy sex—has all of these. It can reflect exactly what your spouse or partner needs. But, pornography and promiscuous sex outside the context of committed relationship lacks the very things that makes sex beautiful and unique. It is to mimic a life-giving act without gaining any life–in other words, to drink sand.
The simple fact is that your spouse or partner has a lot of work to do to learn their own story and to understand what wounds they are trying to numb out, what messages they are trying to silence. The cure for these ills is connection, not sex. It is about their pain, not your lack.
